Disquieting Decibels: The Agony of Annoying Sounds

This is a very different story for me.  It’s non-fiction rather than fiction, but I’ve written non-fiction before.  This is a personal account of a disorder that affects me, and I have, up until now, kept pretty quiet about.  Only a handful of people know this about me.

Now, we all have sounds we can’t bear – be it the classic nail’s running down a blackboard to the constant drip of a leaky tap.  For most people these are just annoying; they shrug it off and move on.  For people who have misophonia, however, we can’t do that easily, if at all, and these ‘trigger’ sounds provoke a range of emotions such as rage, anxiety or anger – often, but not always, directed towards the person making that sound.  It’s a totally disproportionate reaction and it’s very difficult for non-sufferers to understand the impact it can have.

There’s a good chance most of you have never even heard of misophonia.  For those of you who have, I hope you don’t suffer from it like I do. For those of you who haven’t, allow me to educate: it’s a disorder where an individual can’t tolerate certain sounds and those same sounds evoke a strong negative emotion or response.  

There’s a list of trigger sounds that are as long as your arm, but common ones are chewing, coughing, sniffing and mechanical /electronic noises.  Hearing someone chewing their food doesn’t bother me, but I’ve lost count of the times I’ve wanted to run out into the garden, grab the leaf-blower from the gardener, shout at him and then throw it (and him!) into the canal.  The noise of a hairdryer annoys me intensely and makes me want to scream – but only if it’s being used by someone else.  If I’m drying my own hair, it doesn’t bother me one bit.  I also struggle with ‘tinny’ sounds – so music or videos being played on a phone.  Secondary background noise is increasingly challenging for me – so that’s when the TV is on, and someone is watching a video on their phone at the same time or when someone is listening to a video on their phone on the bus or train.  Though to be fair, people who do the latter should be sent off into space in a rocket never to be heard of again as that behaviour is just plain rude.  

It’s an embarrassing thing to have in that it’s difficult to explain to someone who is neurotypical in relation to it as it seems so trivial.  Most people don’t understand how and why a noise can provoke such an intense reaction as it sounds like something that should be easily combatable. ‘It’s just a noise!’ and ‘Just ignore it!’ are common responses when it’s explained in more detailed. Both responses have been directed to me and neither of them were in anyway helpful! (I wanted to say ‘Really? Thanks so much for that.  I’ve NEVER thought of doing that!’). They both also demonstrate a lack of empathy and understanding which can add to the embarrassment and negative feelings.  ‘I feel bad enough, thanks, and you’re not making me feel any better by belittling what I’m going through!’ is a phrase that goes through my mind when someone is being unsympathetic or flippant.

Deep breathing and focussing on something else can help but it can also have the reverse effect.  You know when you need to get to sleep because you need to get up early the next morning?  Sometimes you put so much pressure on yourself to sleep that you can’t.  Well, that can happen with misophonia.  You work hard to block out the sound and focus on something else but end up exacerbating it.  So, I typically remove myself from the situation as it’s my ‘issue’ to deal with. Sometimes that’s fine but sometimes I get resentful towards the person who’s creating the ‘issue’ for me which is irrational, at best and bat shit crazy at worst.  Then there’s the quandary – to say something and explain or to keep quiet.  And often, I opt for the latter – as, it’s easier and I also don’t want people to think I’m bat shit crazy.  And so, the cycle continues.

Most of the time, I can cope reasonably well as a misophonia suffer but not always.  There have been times when I’ve been reduced to tears – and I don’t mean a couple of tears flowing down my cheeks.  I mean proper, ugly crying and it’s not a pretty sight.  What sometimes goes with that is lashing out, hitting things, self-harm and being verbally abusive due to feelings of anger and frustration (I’m the gift that keeps on giving!) and it’s often accompanied by a feeling of helplessness and high anxiety.

I know, too, that my misophonia affects others.  I try to minimise the impact it has on them but sometimes my reaction to the trigger sounds is obvious and I’ve been known to be very vocal about how I’m feeling.  And by ‘vocal’ I mean shouting and swearing – and that’s not cool as it’s not their fault.  But there’s sometimes a ‘pain’ that comes with this that’s difficult to quash and the easiest way for me to deal with it is just walk away.

It’s very much a work in progress in terms of managing this. Some days are better than others. Note – there’s no need for emails or messages from anyone expressing sympathy. That’s not what this is about. This was just me practicing some concepts I learned in my creative writing course and it’s also given me the opportunity to educate a few folks along the way.

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